How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
