i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
