grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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