No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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