The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
