I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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