Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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