When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
