i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
