hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
