I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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