dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
