I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
