My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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