You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
