tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
