My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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