saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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