threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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