Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
