So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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