Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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