Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize