i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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