I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
