I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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