you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
