I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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