Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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