Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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