what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
