you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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