get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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