No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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