there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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