My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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