I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
