You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
