Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
