I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
