My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
