I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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