She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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