i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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