Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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