Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize