hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
