Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
