DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
