i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
