im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
