Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
