I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
