..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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