I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
