Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I am available for nakedness
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
