I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
