My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
