So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We had to coat check the pizza.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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