it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize